What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 16:16
I never cut or harmed myself..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She found it foreign!.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
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So whats the point in blame.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I was seconnd youngest,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I don,t even have a pension.
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She loved him until the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I write beautiful poetry .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.